If you had to describe what it was like to slowly lose your sense of self, what would you say? To me it feels similar to holding that tiny numbered paper at the deli counter, or the post office, or most recently the fabric cutting line at Joanne fabrics. Enduring the incredible amount of time it seems to be taking for what you originally deemed a simple task. You don’t want to be judgemental and begin to let your thoughts wander about the person behind the counter, or maybe you do, but the sheer stamina this requires results in small bits of us falling away, like dead skin cells, fragments you do not want reattached.
The past year has been like that. A slow unraveling of myself, forcing me to make decisions that have been harshly judged. I guess you could say I have been both the mom in a rush in the deli line, silently cursing lunch meat in general, and the woman in the hair net lugging the organic, grass-fed ham back and forth between the window case and the slicer. Each silently, with loud expressions, judging the other, stoic and quick yet moving as if covered in tree sap. A weird analogy, I know, but an odd truth.
Whether or not you can relate, I don’t know. What I do know is that after several months of line waiting, hoping my number was called next, I was left with some burlap fabric, expensive cold cuts and hundreds of dollars spent on postage, but a giant hole in the center of myself.
This reentry into my blog is a long overdue ache to share truths with other woman and mama’s walking the walk. Real and unfiltered. Some comical and others a little more painful. It is now time to unveil the new journeys ahead and the stories of the past few months that have been mostly hushed. Recently, I learned that staying silent and ignoring the urges to share is inauthentic to the best version of myself. The opinions of others have had the power to stifle the flame that writing has always been for me and more than ever I need the spark of that fire, if for nothing else to keep my family warm.
So, I hope you will join me here, and on the newly created FB group MamaCsordas as I get real about life, love and light.
~Jenn, aka MamaCsordas
“There’s so many wars we fought, so many things we’re not, but with what we have, I promise you that, we’re marching on.” ~ One Republic