Truth: I’m not even sure what to write.

It’s been way too long since I have visited my own site. There are many reasons I could list here as to why that is the case. I’ve been busy. Working full-time is a serious time sucker. The kids are always around. My husband and I have been spending more time together working on our marriage. I started teaching yoga part-time. The house has tons of needs and meeting them is a soul depleting process. I’m tired. I have no time. All these things, while they may be true, or perceivably true, aren’t the real reasons why I haven’t been writing.

If I was being whole-heartedly honest, my truth would look a little less generic. It would be heavier with spiky edges. It would make me, and possibly others, a little uncomfortable if I were to share. It is those reasons alone that leave me thinking about this blog, opening the home page and tapping out what’s raw and real on the keyboard,  but never actually clicking the giant magenta Publish button. The truth is several brightly colored strings all tangled into a ball that looks like the cat has coughed it up. It’s been batted around, beat down and left almost unrecognizable as it lies on the handwork floor.

My greatest truth is also my greatest fear. It is the haunting suspicion that I have nothing to say. It is the constant yardstick that shows me all the ways I don’t measure up. It is the comparison trap that leaves me feeling defeated before I even give myself the chance. And so, I don’t take the risk. I use all those half-hearted reasons as my truth and stay relatively silent. Going through the motions doing what I can but not committing to those deeper desires. Like the dreams that once had me jumping out of bed to get to work have been rocked back to sleep, hushed.

This year I have decided to make a mental shift and change the monologue that has been playing inside my head and heart. I decided to start being less afraid of what others thought about me and more concerned with what I think about myself. For the first time,  I have chosen both a word for the year, as well as five ways of being that will help support that word. While it may still not be the year of skydiving (outside of iFly) or cliff diving, it will be a year to be FEARLESS. Unafraid to share, to begin, to offer. Fearless in the pursuit of what sets my soul on fire. Unafraid to want more and go after it. Fearless with a purpose that is great than the fear of being vulnerable and un-liked.

While I know very little how this will “look on paper,” I am fully aware of the feeling.  A warm spark of magic that has already begun to ignited joy in the month of January in myself, my home and my family.  I would love for you to join me on this journey in 2019 to see how it all unfolds. One decision, one blog post, one photo, one youtube video at a time.  To be fearlessly ourselves for the greater good.

Love and Light, always.

Jenn

 

One Comment Add yours

  1. Lainie says:

    I have missed your writing. Thrilled to see this. You are FEARLESS.

    Like

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