So, it has been about a month of hiatus for me and the blog. Not because I didn’t want to write, not because I had nothing to say, not because I didn’t have time (we never really have time, we need to make it, right?) but because it just felt like a time to ponder.
Today I turn 35 and the month of December, as mentioned before, is not my favorite, but this year for an additional set of reasons. December felt like a long plank I was walking. A plank what would eventually drop me into the icy waters of January. The problem? I have no idea what I am diving into, the clear blue sea of vision I have had for years is a murky black abyss, with creatures underneath that I have no names for, no idea if I can touch the bottom.
A friend sent me a text message, during the month of chaos that is December, that said she was in a funk. I could relate. She followed up that message with another one that said something like this: I said to myself: Self, you need to start living for now and being happy in the present. Not, after the holiday is over or after the next test or after vacation, but now.
Now. I think back over the last 5 years. They are a blur. How could half a decade be lost? Daily mundane, looking past the now to the what’s next? To the plans for someday. To the I wish’s and what if’s and finally when’s, projecting the daily away. There are some moments among them that shine, but the over all feel is out of focus and difficult to recall.
With the whirlwind of change that has occurred in the last 6 months, I feel like a child playing pinata. Spun around, blindfolded, dizzily swinging in hopes of making contact. Finding a reward of raining sweet treats, the smile of victory. 35 feels like the year I should be able to find the paper mache pony with the stick, like a vertigo patient in the dark. It seems like it should be enough time to know what I want, need, hope for and who I want to become. Yet, I don’t instinctively know. Instead I am forcing myself to take time to really think about what I want this next year to look like.
And so, because I am a Capricorn, a first-born, and have a type A personality, I made a list. Of 35 things. Things I want to be, do, see, learn, have, give, experience. Some may take months or longer. Others can happen in just a moment, with not much effort. Some will take planning, preparation, dedication and willpower. Others will be carefree, fun and spontaneous (despite the fact that they are already on a list).
My word of the year is mindful. Maybe because I have a terrible memory or maybe because my thoughts are like a ball of string that has been looped around many nails, tangled and fraying. Mindful of time spent, and the people it is spent with. Mindful of my daily attitudes and thoughts. Paying close attention to my actions and the results those actions will produce. Bringing awareness to make 35 a year that has more shiny moments than forgotten ones.
Today I begin with#23. Write Daily.
I hope you will join me on the ride.